A week has passed since my D&E, I feel so empty within....Not just physically but also emotionally.
Surprisingly the tears have dried up. Although I still feel very depressed when I am alone, I have kind of moved on.
I try to avoid thinking about my babies, but every time I remember the last ultrasound I cringe. I shut my eyes and force myself to think of something else.
It honestly helps to have Aditi around. Thank God, children have such short memories. She has moved on to happier things and she is kind of taking me along for the ride.
I think somewhere deep down I am glad I am Indian. Why?
Being Indian, I had faith and trust in God inculcated in me. My dad never asked me to pray, but when I did, he only told me to not do it superficially. If I really wanted to say I believe in you God, then I had to give my 100% to Him.
Perhaps that's why in spite of so many setbacks, I haven't yet felt the need to take pills, anti-depressants, or therapy. Somewhere this strong belief has taken root that whatever happened happened for the best.
I used to initially question the death of my brother. He was a great guy, every one's beloved and only 26. Why him?
Now I am pretty much convinced he wouldn't have been able to handle so many hits. He was a very very gentle person. And the world is pretty cruel. Perhaps I survived because I had the ability to handle life and people.
Even now, I have received some cruel advice, and comments. But I have perfected the art of ignoring such useless people. They don't make a dent on my psyche. Or maybe they do but that's about it.
I focus on the good. So many good people in my life. I have dedicated a blog in the past to some of the best people I have had the good fortune of knowing, and knowing well. They and many more have rallied around me.
I did not have to explain my feelings to them. They understood. And it helps to be understood. I know they have understood my despair at losing to death once again. But they have also understood they will be my strength.
One meaningful sentence "Take care" and it makes deep inroads into my clogged up, un-rythmic heart.
One touching call and I have poured out my sorrow.
To people who are going through a struggle and are finding it difficult, I have one thing to say.
You may find support on the outside but you will find strength within. Turn inwards and find yourself. Without first accepting the love and strength that's within, you will not be able to even recognise the love and support on the outside.
Somewhere in the course of living, we tend to lose ourselves. We become all about managing the event, troubleshooting a problem or handling a disaster.
Nothing that we do do in the course of our lives is about ourselves. Childhood, studies, marriage, children, old age everything is about going from point A to point B. How many times do we go to point C just for the heck of it?
Countless people have made it big in life by simply following their heart. But the majority of us use our 'brains'. We forget our brain tells us what we train it to say. Our inner voice will always show the way. And yet we smother it or ignore it.
At the moment I am unable to even hear my inner voice. But even now my conscience tells me that all is well....
It is perhaps a question of referencing. Whenever you are in deep trouble, refer to a person you know who is in deeper muck. Or perhaps to a person who doesn't even know he is in trouble. Perhaps then your trouble will look small and doable.
Every time I am reminded of my babies, I force myself to also remember a cousin who has gone through 7 miscarriages or a friend who has no medical problems but is still unable to conceive. I don't feel alone in my misery then. Gives me enough strength to force myself to live. Life then becomes hope.
A completely hopeless person is truly a dead person. I hope to keep living. Inshaallah!!!
