Day dreaming...

Couldn't sleep last night...Stress is making its presence felt again in my head and heart...Heart is beating too fast and head is working on an overdrive...

All of a sudden I started to day dream. I was thinking (yes i was!!! though many advise me to not!) about a beautiful sea facing house..Lots and lots of greenery..A gentle breeze caressing the face...

Nice blue gentle water and I close my eyes to be in the nothingness of it all...

There is something amazing about sitting in front of the sea...It relaxes you. The mind grinds to a halt..the heart slows to a steady rhythm. You look at the vast expanse of blue above, below and beyond.

Hmm..put me to a nice deep sleep.

Heart baring lyrics

Bollywood has always managed to come up with heart rending, soul touching, and mind reading lyrics..

There is a song for every mood that you can think of..

Examples I can think of

1. lullaby sung to a child by a happy mom - Chanda hai tu, suraj hai tu from Aradhana

2. lullaby sung to a child by a sad mom - So jaa, chupp ho jaa from Sansar

3. Song sung by friends in honour of their friendship - Ye dosti from Sholay

4. Song sung by lovers in honour of each other - countless songs from countless movies

5. Seductive song - Bahon mein chale aao from Anamika

6. Cabaret song - Mehbooba Mehbooba from Sholay and all of Helen's songs among others

7. 'Item" song - Om shanti Om from the same movie and ofcourse all the other songs done by wannabes and has-beens.

8. Patriotic songs - Kar chale hum fida from Haqeeqat and so many other songs filmed on Manoj Kumar.

9. Struggle song - Hanste hanste from Khoon bhari maang

10. Inspiring song - Mitwa from Lagaan

11. Happy song - Hum hain raahi pyaar ke from the same movie

12. Sad song - Koi hota jisko apna from Mere Apne

13. Song of Betrayal - Tadap Tadap from Hum dil de chuke sanam

14. Sports' related song - Chak de from Chak de India

15. Festival related song - Innumerable songs for Holi, Diwali, most notably Rang Barse from Silsila

16. Love songs - Gum hai kisike pyaar me from Rampur ka Lakshman

I can't think of anymore categories....can anyone add to this?

At the moment, the song Aaina Mujhse meri from Daddy best reflects my emotions..go listen to it..

The lyrics are:

Aaina Mujhse meri Pehli si surat maangi
Mere Apne mere hone ki nishani maangi...aaina mujhse meri...

Main bhatakta hi raha dard ke veerane mein
waqt likhta raha chehre pe har pal ka hisaab
Meri shaurat meri deewangi ki nazar hui
Pi gayi may ki botal mere geeto ki kitaab
Aaj lauta hoon to hansne ki ada bhool gaya
Ye sheher bhula mujhe main bhi isse bhul gaya

Mere apne mere hone ki nishani maangi....aaina mujhse meri..
Mera fan phir mujhe bazaar mein le aaya hai
yeh vo jagah hai ke jahan mero vafa bikte hai
Baap bikte hai aur lakhte jigar bikte hain
Kokh bikti hai, dil bikte hai, sar bikte hai

Is badalti hui duniya ka khua koi nahi
saste daamo pe yahan roz khuda bikte hai
Har kharidaar ko bazaar mein bikta paaya
Hum kya paayenge kisi ne yahaan kya paaya
Mere ehsaas mere geet kahi aur chale
Phool Puja, meri bacchi kahi aur chali....Aur chali

I think thats roughly it...

Gotta respect SRK, KJo

Finally succumbed to the SRK charm.

Had avoided seeing My name is Khan (MNIK) because of the needless controversy created and crisis mysteriously averted. Felt that was a calculated move to garner publicity. However, absence of any good movie for weeks finally made me eat humble pie.

MNIK is a powerful movie and has the right message this world needs to listen to.

There are only 2 kinds of people in this world: Good people who do good things and Bad people who do bad things.

A truer statement was never said.

This then is the premise of the movie. It explores the basic humanity in us all. Some people who live all their lives based on love, look for and find love everywhere. And those poor misguided souls who have based their lives on hate, give and get hate from everywhere.

SRK has acted well in this movie and has proved that he deserves the superstar status. In the hands of a good director (like Shimit Amin, Chak De) the actor in him overrides the gimmicks of loud acting (a mainstay in Bollywood).

And for this reason, KJo needs to be lauded for making a film that is not mushy, insensitive or over the top. A well balanced movie, where for once SRK and the screenplay completely overshadowed Kajol. She has a screen presence which complements SRK well. Her role wasn't meaty enough for her to display her skills. What little scope she had, she grabbed with both hands.

This generation of Bollywood directors, music directors and singers aren't afraid to make path breaking movies. Hera Pheri, Munnabhai series, Taare Zameen Par, 3 Idiots are movies that can stand the test of time, language, and geographical location.

I think MNIK needs to be dubbed into English and sold in America and Europe to be shown in little towns and cities.

There are undercurrents of race here. People are hurting with recession, job losses, insecure future, and rising costs of living. Where is the place for hatred and war, when we have such a huge burden to carry? But isn't this is the story everywhere?...

Scarily this hatred is touching, crippling and even destroying the lives of very young children.

Our generation bears unprecedented pressure. Bad health, bad economy, bad politics....

Its almost like we will have to break new paths to take life forward. We need more love all round to make things a little easier for us.

A little hug someone???

I am losing it...

I am losing it guys...not my marbles or pennies but my patience. Patience with people..I find most people ignorant, arrogant and unnecessarily aggressive. Always out there to prove something..As if we didn't have enough problems already.

There was a whopper of an earthquake...actually 2 of those..then a tsunami..strain changing viruses...the earth shifting its axis by 3 inches...unstoppable snow showers here in the east coast...Aren't these enough?

People who get my goat:

1. Unsolicited Advisers (not to be confused by Macro advisers)

People who believe the rest of the world is in its infancy and can't take a single baby step ahead without their invaluable and continuous advice. I have people (mere acquaintances / strangers) advising me on how to raise my child, on why I should get another child, on how I need to make more friends, on how I should work towards a new qualification, on how (& why) I should settle down in US.....etc etc.

2. Vanishing helpers

As I have gone through n number of emergencies, I have had the (mis)fortune of meeting this species several times. They will hover around you begging to help you, and will do a Houdini when you actually need help. Once the need is over, they reappear and assure us they would have helped the most and the best if they would have known about your problem.

3. Rich beggars / Freeloaders

Its a breed that's a class apart. Lazy women and stingy men make a great combo package in this category. They arrive uninvited just in time for lunch / dinner but are exceedingly busy the day you decided to drop in on them. They are also the first ones to arrive at a party and the last ones to leave. You ought to consider yourself 'privileged' if you can manage to get a glass of water out of them.

4. Compulsive winners

The scariest kind; I try to run away from this species as a simple act of drinking water can be turned into a competition by them. They have to win at all things, be seen as right in all things. If they cannot win, then they will not let the game happen. If they aren't the best in a particular activity, that activity isn't worth spending any time on at all. Their young ones are trained from the incubation stage to start winning at all things, including coming out of the womb at the best time of the year.

5. Extra efficient advertisers

Some people are the unofficial advertisers for products and services. They will force you to use the product/services endorsed by them, even if they themselves have been burnt by it. Even if they have to shove it down your throat. What they use is the best and has to be therefore used by all us ignorant folks.

6. Health experts

You just have to tell them your symptoms, and they will tell you what medicine to take, how much to take, what caused your illness in the first place and an horror story of how one of their friend had to die because he didn't listen to their advice. These people are experts in allopathy, homeopathy, homemade and all other alternative medicines.

7. Macro advisers

These 'learned' people know how to run your house, the country, the neighbouring country and the world in general. They have opinions on everything that has macro implications like finances, economics, weaponry, war, politics etc etc etc. Even if their own house, finance, relations are in a major turmoil.

I am running out of theories on how to deal with these classes. Any advisers???? :P

Mahi Way is the right way...

A new era in Indian television begins. Yash Raj television has put absolutely the best foot forward with its programs.

The production values are good, hip and for a change they have hired real writers. Seven, Rishta.com are some good, clean young and hep series.

The ace of the cake is Mahi Way. A 25 year old Punjabi girl with weight issues, deals with a size-zero obsessed world and the whirlpool of romance. Pushtiie S plays the main protaganist. She works in the fierce fashion mag world. And I admit I had thought YRF TV has copied and remixed themes from the 'Devil wears Prada' and 'Ugly Bety'/'Jassi Jaisi koi Nahi'. That may or may not have been the case.

This series is extremely well written and funny and you want to watch the next episode. It does not have unnecessary twists and definitely no bossom-heaving vamps. The characters are very realistic and shows the corporate jungle as it exists in India. The beauty, the flirt, the high-flier, the copy cats and the plotting dogs.

Best of all, for the first time, a series shows the real feelings of a person who is not glamourous even when wearing make-up. Even in her best clothes and 4 hours salon treatment, she really looks pretty much normal.

I am hooked to this one baby....Don't let me down YRF TV!!!

My creations part 2 :)

Aditi's birthday dress

Fall/Winter Dress

A new day...

A week has passed since my D&E, I feel so empty within....Not just physically but also emotionally.

Surprisingly the tears have dried up. Although I still feel very depressed when I am alone, I have kind of moved on.

I try to avoid thinking about my babies, but every time I remember the last ultrasound I cringe. I shut my eyes and force myself to think of something else.

It honestly helps to have Aditi around. Thank God, children have such short memories. She has moved on to happier things and she is kind of taking me along for the ride.

I think somewhere deep down I am glad I am Indian. Why?

Being Indian, I had faith and trust in God inculcated in me. My dad never asked me to pray, but when I did, he only told me to not do it superficially. If I really wanted to say I believe in you God, then I had to give my 100% to Him.

Perhaps that's why in spite of so many setbacks, I haven't yet felt the need to take pills, anti-depressants, or therapy. Somewhere this strong belief has taken root that whatever happened happened for the best.

I used to initially question the death of my brother. He was a great guy, every one's beloved and only 26. Why him?

Now I am pretty much convinced he wouldn't have been able to handle so many hits. He was a very very gentle person. And the world is pretty cruel. Perhaps I survived because I had the ability to handle life and people.

Even now, I have received some cruel advice, and comments. But I have perfected the art of ignoring such useless people. They don't make a dent on my psyche. Or maybe they do but that's about it.

I focus on the good. So many good people in my life. I have dedicated a blog in the past to some of the best people I have had the good fortune of knowing, and knowing well. They and many more have rallied around me.

I did not have to explain my feelings to them. They understood. And it helps to be understood. I know they have understood my despair at losing to death once again. But they have also understood they will be my strength.

One meaningful sentence "Take care" and it makes deep inroads into my clogged up, un-rythmic heart.

One touching call and I have poured out my sorrow.

To people who are going through a struggle and are finding it difficult, I have one thing to say.

You may find support on the outside but you will find strength within. Turn inwards and find yourself. Without first accepting the love and strength that's within, you will not be able to even recognise the love and support on the outside.

Somewhere in the course of living, we tend to lose ourselves. We become all about managing the event, troubleshooting a problem or handling a disaster.

Nothing that we do do in the course of our lives is about ourselves. Childhood, studies, marriage, children, old age everything is about going from point A to point B. How many times do we go to point C just for the heck of it?

Countless people have made it big in life by simply following their heart. But the majority of us use our 'brains'. We forget our brain tells us what we train it to say. Our inner voice will always show the way. And yet we smother it or ignore it.

At the moment I am unable to even hear my inner voice. But even now my conscience tells me that all is well....

It is perhaps a question of referencing. Whenever you are in deep trouble, refer to a person you know who is in deeper muck. Or perhaps to a person who doesn't even know he is in trouble. Perhaps then your trouble will look small and doable.

Every time I am reminded of my babies, I force myself to also remember a cousin who has gone through 7 miscarriages or a friend who has no medical problems but is still unable to conceive. I don't feel alone in my misery then. Gives me enough strength to force myself to live. Life then becomes hope.

A completely hopeless person is truly a dead person. I hope to keep living. Inshaallah!!!